Ministers to consider raising the speed of light

Going nowhere fast

Transport Secretary Philip Hammond today announced that the government would be consulting on raising the current limit of the speed of light.

‘The 300-million-metres-per-second speed limit was introduced at the beginning of the universe and is clearly now out of date,’ he said. ‘We’ve seen huge advances in sub-atomic automotive safety since then. What we would be doing here is bringing a number of neutrinos which routinely flout the limit back on the right side of the laws of relativity, and that has to be a good thing.’

The proposal follows recent trials in an underground transport network on the Franco-Swiss border near Geneva in which certain road users were allowed to exceed the current limit. The success of that experiment means that Ministers are convinced the existing law needs to change.

‘Not only would this change be good for scientists, it would also be good for business,’ continued Hammond. ‘Increasing the speed limit would reduce the journey time from the sun to the earth from its current sluggish 8 minutes and 19 seconds, bringing enormous economic benefits by increasing the amount of sunlight we receive and potentially lengthening the day.’

However, critics of the plan have expressed concern. ‘Physicists have already shown complete disregard for sub-atomic safety,’ said campaign group BRAKE. ‘A rise in the light-speed limit is only going to see more scientific theories die needlessly in our laboratories each year as scientists smash particles together at ever increasing velocity.’

Despite the criticism Ministers have vowed to press on with the scheme, but have also promised to get tough with selfish sub-atomic road users who tail-gate, hog the middle lane and overtake on the inside.

(Based on an idea by Screenie)

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Posted: Nov 13th, 2017 by

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