Newsbiscuit’s Guide to Zimbabwe

  • Zimbabwe derives its name from an attempt to cheat at Scrabble by Cecil Rhodes.
  • Zimbabwe recently won the international irony championship after placing the president under house arrest, then getting a man wearing military fatigues to announce that this wasn’t a coup.
  • If you flip Zimbabwe around on the map, it looks a bit like Anglesey, which is appropriate because it cuts down an area of farmland the size of Wales every week. Probably.
  • The odds against Rhodesia being discovered by someone who just happened to be called Rhodes are nearly three million to one.
  • Robert Mugabe can sing all the songs from ‘Legally Blonde the Musical’
  • Poaching is a problem, most Zimbabweans opt to scramble.
  • There are 147 official languages including: zcouse, Manq, Broom’i and Kokni
  • In literary circles Mr. Mugabe’s toothbrush moustache is called ‘foreshadowing’
  • Pamela Stevenson is delighted as she can now revive her Not the Nine O’clock News impersonations of Angela Rippon talking about Robert Moo-ga-bay and Joshua Enn-Kohmo.
  • When Zimbabwean men want to complement their girlfriends on their appearance, they say ‘Darling, you look a trillion dollars’
  • Mr. Mugabe tried to sort out the economy by making inflation illegal (fakenews).
  • Subsequently he tried to end corruption and (in particular) bribery, by rendering his country’s currency completely valueless. This has not been noticeably successful.
  • The national musical instrument, the mbira, is also known as ‘the thumb piano’. Oh grow up…
  • Zimbabwe is even lower than Scotland in the FIFA World Rankings
  • Victoria Falls is actually a (yet to be repaired) plumbing disaster
  • Zimbabwe’s major exports are ‘bad news’ and ’empty shell cases’
  • Zimbabwe set to become China’s 24th Province ‘Zimbabwai’

(hattips DavidH, Oxbridge, Sinnick, Smart Alex, Midfield Diamond, Chipchase, Titus & Dick Everyman)


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Posted: Nov 16th, 2017 by

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