‘How can a man set to increase his majority in Islington North by 4242 votes – including 789 proxies – think we care about British so-called-free elections?’ said a Kremlin spokesman. ‘Mr Corbyn should concentrate on what he does best; whistling the Internationale every time he poos, and reading the Daily Express in the cupboard under the stairs where he thinks no-one can see him.’
The Kremlin also denied all knowledge of the surprise Belgian Christmas number one (a military march from St Petersburg), the winning ticket of the Sutton Grammar School Christmas Raffle (belongs to one ‘V Putin’), and the Great British Bake Off 2018 announcement (to be won by someone called Natasha who only speaks Russian, wears a wig and cites bare-chested horse riding as ‘her’ hobby).
The draft speech, kept under Mr Corbyn’s bed in a red Huntley & Palmer’s biscuit tin, is thought to contain the phrase ‘at least we won fair and square, not like Donald Trump’. ‘It’s ridiculous to suggest we mess with everything,’ said the spokesman, ‘you Brits are quite capable of screwing things up yourselves. Besides, Agent Leith works for the Americans since she swapped sides’.