60-watt bulb ban to ruin prison cell feng shui


Long-term Feltham Prison inmate Dave ‘The Chainsaw’ Butcher looks up at the shade-less light bulb hanging above his head. ‘The circle is extremely powerful and encloses the inconspicuous after-effects of negative numbers,’ he explains. ‘Which is why I haven’t stabbed anyone for a while’.

‘When inside it’s difficult to fully harness the beneficial distribution of energy’ he continues. ‘We have to make do with what we can. For example, water activates chi in a room and should be situated in the southwest for wealth and prosperity. That’s why my water feature is over there’ says Dave pointing towards the corner occupied by his slop bucket.

‘The shape of a 60 watt bulb can transform good combinations of energies into malignant ones or aggravate an already malevolent combination into deadly ones’ muses Dave thoughtfully before adding ‘like when I stabbed that snitch Tony in the face eight times with a sharpened tooth brush’. After pausing to use the bunk above him to extinguish his cigarette he continues ‘which is ironic really because eight is a lucky number’.

‘You see light symbolises the fire element and helps stimulate the flow of chi. It’s important to me because out of the five elements of the Xuan Kong System fire is my most important element. It helps me maintain a balanced spatial and temporal harmony in my life. Which is why I have its symbol tattooed on my forehead’ says Dave pointing to one of many facial tattoo’s.’

‘One must not wait passively for one’s share of good fortune, but must actively strain to attain optimal spatial and temporal relations’. After pausing to let the depth of this concept be absorbed he adds ‘which is why I smashed John’s face in with a pool cue and stole his cigarette’s’.

‘A lot of the people around here don’t believe in Feng Shui but it’s proven itself so many times. Like, for example, the southwest of a building signifies gossip, slander and minor accidents. And it just so happens that that’s exactly where Pete had his little “accident” after he was slagging me off’.

‘The main problem is that energy saver bulbs are wavy which is the symbol of water. Having two water features in here will create a destructive cycle of the five elements. Or to put it another way, take away my 60-watt light bulb and I’m going to start the biggest goddam riot you’ve ever seen’.


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Posted: Nov 18th, 2017 by

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