An explorer who ventured into a vast shopping centre without a mobile phone has been rescued after 5 days by a national newspaper. Jeremy Fisher, a 57-year-old adventurer from Romford, had set out to find a ‘lost tribe’ of helpful shop assistants that could help him cancel his subscription to Sky.
‘I’d heard tell of the Sky cancellations department, but no-one had been able to make contact with them for years. They could be the last group of customer service representatives on the planet yet to communicate with the western world’, said Fisher. Undeterred, he set out to track down a Sky booth in the vast jungle of Bluewater. Armed only with a map and a Nectar loyalty card, the mission was fraught with danger.
‘It immediately became obvious that the map was out of date’, he explained. ‘Where a WH Smith was supposed to be, stood a shiny new Costa. I tried making contact with the locals, but they all had their faces in their phones. Without WhatsApp, I had no way of starting up a rapport.’
After 30 minutes, Fisher was lost, disoriented and hungry. He hadn’t even remembered to bring his pet dog to eat. ‘The indigenous population seemed well fed, but I was worried that their diet would be harmful to me. I have irritable bowel syndrome, which was caused by trying to change my British Gas tariff in 2013,’ he said today.
Fisher made a shelter and hid for the following 4 nights in the smart watch section of John Lewis. ‘For some reason, not one person bothered me in there.’ Eventually, out of desperation he rooted through a bin where he found an old Daily Mail, read the headline and exclaimed a loud ‘oh for fuck’s sake. That’s when security found me, and escorted me to the door. I’m so grateful, I was getting desperate. I think I was suffering from mall-aria.