Philip Hammond’s attempt to woo young voters and train-spotters with his Budget, has resulted in several hours of intrusive rectal surgery. NHS doctors assured the Chancellor that having a railcard forcibly inserted will cause no lasting damage, but is unlikely to feature in ‘The Adventures of Thomas the Tank Engine’.
Disgruntled Millennials have been rather unimpressed by discount rail travel, to places they cannot afford to live or work. Compounded by the National Debt continuing to attract unwelcome digits, like an actress auditioning for Harvey Weinstein.
Explained one Minister; ‘We’ve given the young what they always wanted – more access to Southern Rail. This is a budget that speaks to youth issues – like tax breaks for fossil fuel exploration. Which 18-30 year old doesn’t have their own gas or oil company?
With Growth down, GDP downgraded and a vulture perched on his shoulder, the Chancellor put a brave face on his sore bottom. A colleague said: ‘Philip was going to offer young voters a free cuddly toy but the idea of it made his eyes water’.