In a surprise move, Boris Johnson’s hair has declared itself a sentient being capable of feeling shame and therefore will be dissolving their semi-successful double act at the end of panto season.
In fact, the hair, now revealed as Darren Wallis, told reporters that it wishes to be taken more seriously in future. Mr Wallis said, ‘I am a visitor to earth from my home planet and I created Boris a few years ago from old buttons, pipe cleaners and spare skin off of Vanessa Feltz’s back. It was a bit of a laugh at the time, all the lads were doing it. But it’s gone too far now. There’s this bloke, Kenny Robinson, he went and built this thing out of satsumas and phlegm and it’s now running the United States. The joke’s worn a bit thin.
‘I did try to leave Boris behind once before but people noticed him hanging there on a zip-wire, like a tit in a trance, so I had to go back and fetch him. But I’m definitely going my own way this time, I’m writing a play, setting up a craft brewery in Shoreditch and taking up pipe smoking… it’ll be great.’
When asked for a statement, Mr Johnson said that Darren Wallis was here training journalists and then, for some reason, added ‘wiff waff”‘, at which point his hair made an audible groan.