The Prime Minister today announced a new raft of measures designed to combat the threat of Britons joining the shadowy extremist group UKIP, including removing the right of those individuals to later return to the Conservative Party.
While support for UKIP continues to grow, many of those who joined are now looking for a way back, having become disillusioned with life in the organisation. Douglas Barswell (not his real name) is one such individual. Douglas joined UKIP a few months ago, after being radicalised by the online sermons of their enigmatic leader Nige Al-Farage, but now wants to leave.
‘When you first get in contact they make it sound like a great life,’ he explained. ‘They’ll say, “Sure, you can go and have five pints in your lunch hour and still drive back to the office” or “Yeah, we’ll give you your own saucy 70’s sitcom secretary who considers a playful slap on the arse or a quick breast rummage to be the most empowering compliment any man could pay her”, but when you get there it’s a different story.’
‘Instead, I get up really early and spend all morning misinterpreting some statistics. Then at lunchtime I have to give Nige his daily oiling, while the rest of the day is spent denouncing his views on privatised healthcare, arguing that Mark Feckless (not his real name) doesn’t always mean what he says or trying to persuade Mike Read not to record any more bizarre racist singles.’
John Chapman, an outreach worker who specialises in combatting extremism at grass roots level explained, ‘Douglas is a classic example of the sort of disaffected 48 year old white male that, faced with losing both his majority and his hair, and equipped with a misplaced nostalgia for a time when a Polish Shop was somewhere that you’d go to buy turtle wax, becomes an easy target for the extremists. My job is to stop that happening in the first place.’
‘But society needs to do its bit as well and understand that deep down they are just ordinary people trying to make sense of life. In fact, if you take away their six bedroom Georgian townhouses, holiday cottages in Cornwall, well stocked wine cellars, regular skiing holidays, generous expense accounts, lucrative company directorships, brand new X-Type Jaguars and all-expense paid business class ‘fact finding’ missions to the Seychelles then you’ll find they’re just like you and I.’