‘It’s not what we want to do’, said a young medic who wishes to remain anonymous. ‘But let us be honest here, after a 48 hour shift it really is quite easy to appear like a bungling buffoon who gets in all kinds of mildly amusing scrapes not knowing the difference between the words prostrate and prostate . One of us will insert a stethoscope into a patient’s anal cavity by mistake while another will carry out a comedic ‘whoopsie’ sound using a rubber glove for extra effect.’
Other tactics include ‘coming over all queer’ when asked to examine pretty young women or, alternatively, cause much disruption demanding the right to carry out TUBEs (totally unnecessary breast exams) on each and every patient – even while on placements on a dental surgery department.
They will also insist on getting trapped with beautiful but cheeky Barbara Windsor-like nurses in sluice rooms while ‘Matron looks at us sternly’ in a bid to jeopardise the hygiene protocols of the wards. The nursing council is yet to comment on this proposal but is said to be ‘incensed’ at the move; particularly as a lot of male nurses, who while respecting homosexuality, are ‘not that way inclined’.
A spokesman for the Health Secretary, Jeremy Hunt, said that the plans were: ‘juvenile, silly and ridiculous. It’s clear that such actions would put patients’ lives at risk…hmm…well in that case, Carry On’.
S J Roe