A slumbering Balinese Fire Goddess has taken exception to proposed nuptials between Meghan Markle and the “ginger hotty” from House of Windsor. So aggrieved is this green-eyed deity, that 100,000 people have been evacuated from around Mount Agung, with the threat of a volcanic eruption and tantrums on Facebook.
One Geologist described the explosions as extensive, violent and “very jealous”. While seismologists say they have not seen a hissy fit on this scale since Taylor Swift dumped Thor.
A High Priestess explained: “We refute the claim that the Goddess has been throwing rocks, debris and her toys out her pram. The rivers of lava are just a public display of affection. Its harmless sulphur dioxide and billowing ash. And has nothing to do with the fact that Harry is not replying to her texts”.
Harry is fifth in line to the throne, but could move up a couple of rungs if locals are forced to appease the Goddess with a virgin sacrifice. Worryingly there are 130 active volcanoes around Indonesia but not enough eligible Princes; forcing many deities to rub tectonic plates together with dating Apps like Grindr.