Over the past few years Her Majesty’s Government has worked tirelessly to stave off a full scale rebellion by repeating the phrase “Northern Powerhouse” at people who say tut instead of the. Now their carefully laid plans appear to have been undermined by an office intern.
Last Tuesday, Candice Reilly, 19, had her pert buttocks playfully slapped by a fifty-five year old civil servant as she was bent over shoveling Universal Credit claims into a furnace. Her response has shaken Westminster to its very foundations: “Do yow moind?”
After calling in MI5 it was confirmed that Candice was indeed speaking a form of English from a hitherto undiscovered place called Smethwick, found neither in the south or that grubby northern bit, but somewhere in the middle. The – if you will – Midlands.
A government spokesperson said, “It would appear upon closer inspection that there is a whole other part of the country we simply knew nothing about, and what’s more, one would need to traverse this ‘Mid-Lands’ should one ever wish to reach the north. Until now Derby was a horse race and I was at prep school with Sheepy Magna, but it turns out they’re both place names in this middle bit. They’ve even got something called Lester but you spell it with all I’s and C’s!”
One insider told us, “We couldn’t believe it. I suppose they’ll want a devolved government or some bollocks next. Anyway, we’ll keep ’em quiet, plans for the Midlands Fanbelt will be announced next week,” before adding “Don’t suppose you’ve got any porn on you? We’re not allowed it in there now.”