Haunted trouser suit, Theresa May, has taken the unusual step of physically restraining her entire cabinet as the government inches ever closer to its first calamity free seven days since the general election.
‘Global news knows its place, and as tradition dictates it has ground itself to a complete standstill so journalists can slaver and brown-nose over the royal engagement’, noted one political correspondent today. ‘There is literally nothing else happening – anywhere. The whole world is talking wedding dresses, paternity tests and laying bets on which bridesmaids arse is going to have tabloid editors reaching for the Kleenex.’
‘Of course all this is a positive boon for Britain’s first see-through Prime Minister who has reigned over a perpetual sh*tstorm of a clusterf**k from the very second she took office’, continued the correspondent. ‘All she has to do now is keep a steady line and steer her troops towards the weekend without one of them claiming nobody is unemployed or being photographed snogging Benjamin Netanyahu in a paddling pool full of Marmite.’
‘Mrs May cannot take any chances and so has taken the bold step of chaining and gagging her entire cabinet until the weekend’, revealed a government insider. ‘They will be locked away in a secret bunker at Farmer Teds Adventure Farm near Formby. All except Boris Johnson who has had bacon sellotaped inside his underpants and been shoved in a broom cupboard with a doberman pinscher. He’ll be quite happy in there for a few days.’