Kate “thrilled” as successful, elegant, non-pregnant woman joins Royal family

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Catherine, Duchess of Cambridge, has said she is ‘absolutely thrilled’ to learn of the engagement between her brother-in-law Prince Harry and the young, poised and multi-talented actress and international women’s rights advocate Meghan Markle.

‘Yes, it’s very exciting to have a new woman in the family,’ the Duchess told reporters at Kensington Palace, where she is currently vomiting her way through her third pregnancy. ‘Harry’s very happy and she’s all smiling and nice teeth and still got a flat stomach and not bloody pregnant, great. Thanks for asking.’

Ms Markle and Prince Harry announced their engagement yesterday to a flurry of headlines around the world among people who were previously really very interested in the Duchess. ‘I’m so happy for them both,’ said avid Royal-watched Margaret Taylor, 59, from Lincolnshire. ‘They’re just symbols of the new, modern young Royal family. I don’t think the country has ever been so excited about a Royal wedding before. It’s literally the start of a new era of popularity. Yes, of course I mean Meghan and Harry. What’s that? Kate who?’

As a woman herself, Catherine was glowing about Ms Markle’s credentials as a feminist campaigner and UN women’s ambassador. ‘Brilliant,’ she said. ‘She can read lines and walk around, she can argue, she can go where she likes without a bloody great bag of wet wipes and sick bags, she fits into her favourite jeans, she’s not constantly sweating and being sick, she doesn’t look like a damp hippo, she can sleep, yay for Meghan. (Inaudible muttering).’

The date of the wedding has been set for May 2018 and the Duchess of Cambridge confirmed she would be in attendance despite being due to give birth just three weeks earlier. ‘Oh, I’ll be there,’ she declared. ‘William will be pissing about with Harry at the front and I’ll be about three rows back covered in baby puke trying to keep the bloody pram out of everybody’s way and stop the kids crying and punching each other while she slinks up the aisle. Can’t wait. Pass me that bucket, would you?’

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Posted: Nov 30th, 2017 by

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