Restaurateurs and microbiologists are bracing themselves for a seasonal fusion between the nation’s least imaginative side-dish and its most virulent side-blister. This heady mixture leads to an unsightly phenomenon that can linger on the upper lip if not treated properly by dabbing with a McDonald’s serviette, TCP and discreet spitting.
One epidemiologist said: ‘We’ve seen a huge influx of Scandinavian pickled salad coming into contact with boiled British herpes. For example when Darren Smythe (16) and Julie Smethers (17), both employed at the South Basildon ‘drive thru’, got bored with slicing and dicing and started snogging around the back. Their coleslaw developed into heavy petting in the cold store, which in turn became an irritating cold sore’.
‘When you’re under the weather, coleslaw just adds to the suffering. It happens when a brassica oleracea or cabbage comes into contact with tiny fragments of daucus carota (the common carrot) invisible to the naked eye. A curious, pus like substance is secreted, which was first discovered by Dr. Lilian Hellman. And the best way of avoiding it is to have a proper salad; including lettuce, tomato and even cucumberbatch’.
Darren later reported to being under the weather, while Julie later found herself under store manager Barry Smith (31) who later explained his late working patterns to his wife, Brenda. Although outbreaks have concentrated on Basildon, the cold sore offer has been seen as far afield as Romford, Harlow, Billericay, some parts of Dagenham and even east Chelmsford*. NHS chief Dr Vera Smeaton advised there is no danger of genital warts, whose popularity is limited by distribution method. Colchester based Ms Smeaton explained ‘The only way is sex.’
*Participating slaws only