A spokesman for Derby Council has explained why the solitary tree in the centre of the town is surrounded by an electric fence and gun towers.
‘This thing is massive, and frankly terrifying’ said Cllr Jeremy Hussain. ‘I’m surprised anyone would want to come and see such a carnivorous beast’.
Asked if he meant ‘coniferous’, Hussain replied ‘yes, that’s what I said. LOOK OUT! I think it’s spotted us!’.
The interview continued in a relaxed manner, with the reporter sitting down holding the microphone under the council van that Hussain had decided to observe the switch-on from under. With the moment drawing nearer, the crowd counted ’10, 9, 8, 7…’ as the tree picked off a group of school children who had strayed too close, one by one.
Christmas trees have been a traditional part of festivities since Victorian times, when life was cheap. Norway still sends a colossal tree to London every year, the only city in the country that can afford the tonnes of raw beef needed to appease it.