After decades of investigation and cottaging, police have revealed the identity of the man behind the most notorious of crimes – second only to James Corden’s agent. Ahmet Hill, of Croydon, stands accused of a flagrant disregard for toilet hygiene, causing untold blockages and being ‘a terrible advert’ for Wrigley.
For years, Mr. Hill has been emptying the content of his mouth into troughs and bowls; ignoring nearby bins and cubicle doors, on which the gum could easily be stuck. Most men spend their time in a public urinal avoiding eye contact, which allowed Mr. Hill to surreptitiously expectorate, under the pretence of giving his Johnson ‘one last wiggle’.
The mysterious identity of the ‘Gum Spitter of old London Town’, ranks alongside the killers of Tupac & Biggie, the whereabouts of Lord Lucan and the person who commissioned ‘Mrs Brown’s Boys’. The Metropolitan Police invested close to ten thousand hours on solving this case, precisely nine hundred and ninety nine hours more than they did investigating any MP.
Mr. Hill’s lawyer explained: ‘My client claims he was doing a public service and providing something to aim at. His only regret, is once accidently putting the gum back in his mouth. And he can confirm that those blue lumps are definitely not blueberry flavoured bubble-gum’.