Wetherspoons agrees to convert pubs into Irish Border posts

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The high street pub-chain, curry-purveyor and purchaser of carpets that are even more spaced out than Shetland pony on an acid trip, has announced that they are prepared to break the Brexit deadlock by allowing their premises to be treated as Irish sovereign soil.

In a surprise announcement, the pub-chain has committed to ensuring that anyone either called Mick, Coleen, or holding a red-haired child can pass into the UK through a special two for one meal deal in which citizens of Eire will be able to gain the citizenry rights of a normal UK citizen as well as a free portion of beer battered onion rings.

Company officials are already well-advanced in plans to convert a number of the chain’s general knowledge quiz machines to make the whole custom declaration process much easier for members of the emerald homeland. There are also plans to work alongside Ladbrookes and Paddy Power if some entries to the UK are not considered worthy enough of access, but their money is still considered good enough to take. Security for the new Border regions will be handled by that one weird bloke you always see standing outside a Wetherspoons who is probably pissed and run out of money for the train home. Any quarantine arrangements are likely to involve the disabled toilets.

The Irish Ambassador has, unfortunately, rejected the plan as one that does little but confirm peoples most grotesque stereotypes about the Irish and he said his government would rather see some form of partnership arrangement with Greggs if they could offer potato-bread on their menus before the Brexit deadline. Harvester, otherwise known as the Switzerland of the pub world, has said it will maintain its traditional position of neutrality and continue to allow Irish citizens to pass through its premises unchecked as the Irish usually never touch the salad bar and so help to keep profit margins high. It has also been speculated that, if Scotland does elect to become independent, A and E departments in England will adopt a similar model of sovereignty as this is where most Scottish people end up eventually when they come to England. The DUP has, as yet, refused to support the new offer saying that anyone who drinks or ‘sups the devil’s buttermilk’ is doomed to go to Hell – which already has border arrangements with the City of London and the premises of most estate agents.

 

Milo Shame

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Posted: Dec 4th, 2017 by

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