Amid government concerns that David Davis’ approach to Brexit was growing “repetitive and stale”, Teresa May has announced that she will be replacing him with the man in Wolverhampton who cemented a microwave to his own head, in an attempt to inject some fresh and creative action into the calamitous balls-up of Brexit.
“I’ve tried my best to make this thing as farcical as possible, but it just hasn’t been enough ” said Davis, confirming his resignation, “so to really bring this unholy monstrosity of Brexit to the correct level of ineptitude, I acknowledge that the person we really need in charge is someone deranged enough to cement their vital body parts to everyday household appliances just for the hell of it.”
Prime Minister, Teresa May, has said that she hopes that the appointment of the new Minister will properly reflect the government’s intentions for the Brexit process. “This man has the precise mix of incompetence, insanity and willingness to self-harm that exactly sums up what Brexit entails,” said the Prime Minister. “Because Brexit means Cementing A Microwave To Your Own Fucking Head”.