The Foreign Secretary hailed as a success his diplomatic efforts to ensure that every Briton visiting Iran will be instantly jailed, covered in hot chilli sauce and fired from a canon. Meanwhile Iran has offered to stop its nuclear programme, provided Mr Johnson never phones again.
Mr. Johnson and his Iranian counterpart spoke ‘frankly’, which rarely ends well. In fact, in just a two hour phone conversation, the Foreign Secretary managed to cede Tehran to Iraq and call Ayatollah Ali Khamenei’s mother ‘a munter’.
Mr. Johnson’s unique brand of statecraft is said to have made his Iranian counterpart look back at the Crusades with fondness. Likewise, having erroneously claimed UK citizen Mrs Zaghari-Ratcliffe was spreading sedition, Mr. Johnson helpfully clarified her innocence – insisting that she was ‘probably just a witch’.
Emboldened by his triumph, the Foreign Secretary offered to heal the Middle East and other Tolkien lands. Although a UN spokeswoman replied: ‘We’re really looking for someone to stop the flames of conflict in Jerusalem’. To which, Mr. Johnson said he hoped to rise to the challenge – as he headed to the nearest kerosene shop.