In what’s believed to be a first by a serving cabinet minister, Boris Johnson is to embark on a nationwide ‘comedy’ tour next Summer with tickets already on sale for his self penned show, Boris’s Biggest Balls-ups and Calamities Review.
Audience members at a try-out in Ruislip report that in one harrowing and almost Brechtian sketch he waves a gigantic Olympic Flag in a really awkward manner for five minutes looking totally forlorn, while in another set piece he re-stages his legendary body checking of ten-year old Japanese schoolboy playing rugby. Subsequent rumours that the young actor was taken to A&E following the performance remain unconfirmed.
However the undoubted highlight of the evening comes when wearing a harness and comedy crash helmet, he recreates his ill-fated mishap on a zip wire and gets stuck in midair fifteen feet above the stage, just beyond the reach of the front row who try and swat him with handbags and umbrellas as he hangs there like a great big piñata. One Kay fan commented: ‘It’ll be bloody rubbish compared to Peter’s shows but at least as a consolation I’ll be able to get a good crack at Boris with my electric cattle prod when he’s stuck up there on that wire.’
But Boris has been quick to point out to cynics that any proceeds from the tour will go straight into his bank account and will hopefully be large enough to fund a new five-bedroomed holiday villa in Tuscany. ‘I will stand up and be counted…just not about the £350m for the NHS’.