Unemployment figures slashed as government deems motherhood a full-time job

mothers advised to 'get off your bike and go and find a sofa'

In the latest bid to tackle soaring unemployment figures, the government has today announced the reclassification of motherhood as full-time employment. ‘It is high time the dedicated, tireless and valuable contribution of full-time parents is duly recognised by this administration,’ announced Minister for Employment, Chris Grayling. ‘After many years of lobbying for this kind of recognition, we hope that mothers will embrace their new status, if not the housing and child benefits they are now no longer entitled to. Truly, you cannot put a price on a mother’s love. So we’re not going to pay them either.’

While Mumsnet cautiously welcomed the acknowledgement of mothers’ contribution, they were quick to campaign for improved working conditions for mums. ‘Mothers should be entitled to the same basic rights as any other British worker,’ said a spokeswoman while whipping up a batch of marshmallow squares for Mufti day. ‘We insist that mums are given proper training, regular breaks, paid holiday and proper recompense for the massive service they are – WILL YOU DO YOUR WEE-WEES ON THE POTTY CAMERON – providing society.’

But others have been less enthusiastic about the move and several thousand adolescents have launched a class action against what they perceive to be incompetent mothering, citing ‘injustice’, ‘unreasonable behaviour’ and ‘terminal twattery’ as the reasons behind their complaint. Protests from disgruntled mothers are expected to be widespread, albeit during school hours, with a brief break at lunchtime to put the drying on.

But Mr Grayling insists he will persevere with the strategy, branching out to other overlooked occupations. ‘We now realise that there were many professions we could be discounting from the figures,’ he said. ‘From now on Jobsworths, professional arseholes and career wankers will no longer be considered unemployed. Although in fairness, most had already declared that they were working in the Cabinet.’

Perks (with a hat-tip to WaylandSmithy)

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Posted: Dec 14th, 2017 by

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