After nearly 500 years of commercial inactivity in the indulgence market, the Vatican has finally found a way of getting round the the vulgarity of selling salvation for hard cash.
‘Bitcoin represents a tasteful alternative to the problem of exchanging eternal bliss for grubby notes and coins’, said Pope Francis in a statement that has yet to be classified as infallible. ‘There’s something ethereal and other-worldly about this new currency. It doesn’t exist at any place where you can see or touch it. It has millions of followers, while remaining miraculously detached from the real world. It’s the obvious choice for the Catholic Church, really’.
Meanwhile, the recently deceased Jason Shelley of Bournemouth has just arrived in the hereafter to begin eternal bliss, thanks to a judicious bitcoin transfer. ‘The place is full of people bragging about how much their bitcoin stocks have beaten the Dow Jones average’, he complains. ‘I think I’d have preferred eternal damnation, to be honest’.
A Vatican spokesman has warned that souls of the departed can go down as well as up.