Four injured in toenail-clipping accident


Paramedics have confirmed that four people were treated following a random toenail-clipping in Cheshire yesterday.  Three of the victims are members of the clipper’s family, while the fourth was walking past an open window and just happened to be ‘in the wrong place at the wrong time’, according to experts.

‘We have cautioned a man in his fifties about the use of unregistered toenail clippers’, a police spokesman said, ‘and we have confiscated a small pile of dangerous clippings to prevent them falling into the wrong hands’.

‘People think they can carry on clipping their nails into middle age without consequences’, said the spokesman, ‘but this is incredibly foolish.  There are many things we do as young adults – binge drinking, welding, masturbation – which become dangerous in middle age.  Mostly they just hurt the perpetrator, but toenail clipping is rarely a victimless crime’.

The bypasser was released from hospital following treatment, while the three members of the perpetrator’s family were humanely destroyed.

If you have been affected by any of the issues in this story, apart from the welding, please call the Newsbiscuit hotline and ask for Sally.  If Sally isn’t in then we can’t help, sorry.  Maybe try the internet?

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Posted: Dec 21st, 2017 by

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