Speaking at the UN after a drum roll and cymbal crash intro, Secretary General António Guterres, said: ‘This is a truly groundbreaking decision and one that is most welcome. Jazz music is widely regarded as one of the most self-indulgent art forms ever to have evolved, worse even than Tracey Emin or Banksy, and a world without what is largely self-pleasuring musical masturbation is a better world as far as we are all concerned. Particularly if its if it’s Cleo Laine singing that trademark ‘Scoop-boopa-dooby-do whee-weeee! scat thing she does at the drop of a hat.’
However Jazzman, Jamie Cullum, has vowed that he will fight the ban as long as he still has a breath left in his body. ‘It is an inalienable right for anyone who wants to listen to a thirty-minute improvised jazz-blues jam session based around the chord of D m7b5 to do so. And a world without the double bass solo just doesn’t bear thinking about,’ he told BBC Breakfast.
However he did concede that perhaps a world without jazz saxophonists tootling endlessly on and on, playing three thousand notes a minute, might perhaps be acceptable.