In response to huge popular unease, the government has announced plans to vary the route through which it obtains capital funding. Protests against existing plans have been loudest in the Buckingham constituency often crashed into by Nigel Farage, and as a result plans have been unveiled to avoid Brussels completely by tunnelling under it and extending the line to China, with scheduled stops on the way in Mumbai, Delhi and Kolkata.
The original programme for HS2, or ‘How to Spend again’ has been derailed many times due to unexpected or unprepared-for situations such as countries not paying for their tickets, frozen assets at critical junctures, or the wrong kind of Berlusconi on the line. But with the new Expressway, due to be in operation by 2026 at the latest, the government is confident of reducing the time taken to produce a better deal for the British taxpayer, and cut waiting times for the extension of credit to small businesses by up to 52 years.
‘This has nothing to do with Nimbyism,’ said Transportable Secretary of State Justine Greening, ‘and we are working hard with our European counterparts to find a way to avoid bothering them at all. In fact, we’re looking to reduce services to any European destinations whatsoever, and to be honest, I doubt they’d even notice.’
The new tunnel will begin just outside Amersham which is jolly convenient for many government MPs who will be able to simply park up, step into First Class and text their drivers to ask them to wait as they head off on important government business to the other side of the planet.
China has apparently welcomed the move and President Hu, on a visit to a state-owned facility in Shanghai which had just rolled out a model of the fastest financial transaction ever seen on the planet, said something in Chinese which none of the British reporters present could understand.
A formal announcement on the monumental change of plans by the Secretary of State was expected in Birmingham this morning but has been postponed following transport difficulties including overcrowding at Reading, and the replacement bus service between Banbury and Coventry being cancelled due to the wrong kind of road.