It has been announced that Christmas will not take place this year, following the tragic death of Father Christmas in a shooting incident in Montgomery, Alabama. Gun enthusiast and NRA member Cletus Washington III told reporters that he had opened fire in self-defence after hearing an intruder in his kitchen.
‘I woke to hear this sort of tinkling noise and went downstairs to investigate with only my Heckler & Koch 416 A5 to protect me. You can imagine my horror when I found this large, hooded, middle-aged man standing in my kitchen drinking my liquor and eating my mince pies,’ Washington said.
‘Terrified as I was I managed to pull the HK416 A5 into the firing position and shoot him six times in the heart, liver, stomach, neck, mouth and forehead. I then went over to check that he was dead. As you can imagine it was a terrifying experience for me. He was dressed in some weird all-red outfit like them homosexualists they talk about on Fox News.’
Detectives investigating the incident said that they had found nine reindeer and a sleigh filled with suspicious packages just outside Mr Washington’s house. Another suspicious package, later destroyed in a controlled explosion, was also found beneath a Christmas tree in the front room.
Praising the householder’s bravery Detective Dave Marino of Alabama State Police Department warned all Americans to be vigilant and keep their weaponry close at all times, especially at this time of year when their houses may be filled with valuable gifts and presents. ‘Christmas just brings the worst out in some people,’ he said.