If you’re a middle-aged man and concerned that latest Star Wars is not meant for you, why not make your own? Follow our ten easy steps:
1) Spend months constructing an intricate story, complex characterisation, with a real sensitivity to the continuity of the original film. Ha, only joking! Just scribble Star Wars on top of any old pile of shit. Geeks will watch anything.
2) Make a note of what syllable sounds someone makes, while choking on a cocktail sausage. Right, that’s how you name your characters.
3) Reduce the ambitious narrative down to a two-hour chase sequence that defies both logic and the basic rules of physics. Remember, empires are inherently evil – even if they appear to be the only ones investing in infrastructure, new technology or decent employee uniforms.
4) Distract the audience from any recycled plot devices by simply redesigning a light sabre.
5) Include a 30-minute explanation by some Jedi Master about force, implied consent and the need for good hummus. Make it clear that this ‘teacher’ lacks any rudimentary lesson plan, the concept of differentiated learning or a DRB check.
6) Introduce a new cutesie life-form, in a cynical attempt to market the film to fans of Sylvanian Families. As an added bonus, it will also give any Fanboy an ulcer. You might want try to give your protagonist a spurious reason to land on a random planet. Not only will this increase the number of action figures you can sell, but it will add 40 minutes to the film’s running time.
7) All characters should care more about damage to droids than to sentient life-forms. No character must send a droid on a suicide mission, when a human can be sent in their place.
8) Ensure all bases have a fatal structural flaw, which is then available to view by anyone with a 1960s version of CAD.
9) By the end of the film there must be just as many Sith and Jedi, as you started with. Not to maintain the Balance in the Force but the Balance in the Studio Chequebook. This is the franchise that must never die. The Last Jedi? Yeah, right!
10) Repeat ad infinitum