George Brayley, a 37-year-old bank manager from Bedfordshire, had been thinking about ending his life this Christmas Eve, but a decision to sit down for one last time and watch ‘It’s a Wonderful Life’ with a final bottle of port and some stilton changed his mind, when he realised the effect of his not existing would have on friends and family.
‘It’s been a miserable time for me and everything’s been going wrong,’ explained Brayley, ‘but when I thought how it’d change lives, and how much happier everyone else would be with me gone, I thought bugger the bastards.’
40 minutes into the holiday classic Brayley had dozed off, and dreamt of being guided by his guardian angel around a world without him, where colleagues got the credit for work they did for him while he was gallivanting around the world on foreign holidays, and friends didn’t have to put up with his boring golf anecdotes.
But in a world without George Brayley, it was his wife who was seen to be the happiest, finally free to pursue an independent career, and her 28-year-old yoga instructor. ‘I could watch her having the time of her life with all the dosh she had from my pension and life insurance settlements and it changed me, only until I got to know that vaping and life insurance were related’ explained Brayley, ‘my guardian angel told me she believed that every time a cashtill rings an angel gets its wings.’
Waking up as the film finished, and realising what the traffic was likely to be like on the way to the nearest bridge over a treacherous river, Brayley committed to making this the best Christmas ever, even though he hadn’t bothered buying anyone presents on the assumption he’d be long gone.
The bank manager’s commitment to a new lease of life did not last long however, after a row following a Boxing Day viewing of Chitty Chitty Bang Bang with his wife inspired her to use the family car to run him over repeatedly in the driveway.
29th December 2009