Florida tourist attraction Seaworld has announced that, from the start of 2018, its killer whales will be phased out and replaced with white, entitled males in an attempt to win back a new audience for their show business blend of water frolics and up-close viewing of one of nature’s most vicious predators.
‘The conservationist movement has brought pressure to bear on keeping such beautiful and awe-inspiring creatures such as Orcas out of captivity.; said managing director Chuck Hartenstine III. ‘Luckily no-one gives a shite about white, entitled men after all that with #MeToo, Matt Damon mansplaining and the continued problem of manspreading on public transport.
Furthermore, he said, bringing a non-mating pair called Harvey and Kevin into the park is likely to extend their life-span and help establish a safe habitat for these endangered creatures. Trainers are hoping to begin acclimatising the pair to their tank before they begin a full training schedule of tricks for them to learn.
It is hoped that Harvey will amaze on-lookers by rising majestically from his arm-chair before slumping back down and spraying the audience with a haze of dust mites and old nacho crumbs. Kevin has already shown signs that he likes to have his tummy rubbed but is still reluctant to take a fish as a reward and is starting off slowly with a cod-liver oil capsule first thing in the morning.
Seaworld has said that it is highly probable that the slim, blonde trainers who suffered most during the time of the Orcas are still likely to be at serious danger from the new inhabitants of the water-park. Therefore, female and male trainers will be wearing three-piece suits that make them resemble lawyers and have already proven to repel Harvey and Kevin respectively.