Man fights for life in Quality Street-induced coma after festivities curtailed

'I'll have the purple one, and the green one, and another purple one...'

A man is fighting for his life today after going ‘cold turkey’ following a Christmas eating binge.

Dick Scales, 36, a much loved member of sleepy local seaside town Ringhersham remains in a ‘stable, but critical condition’ following a sudden withdrawal of festive foodstuffs. Mr Scales – a self- proclaimed local celebrity famed for his eating excesses – had boldly decided to cut down his calorie intake in advance of the ushering in of 2015. Prior to his dramatic seizure he had been heard to utter garbled references to ‘Mr Motivator VHS, Celery sticks and Slim-fast Shake’.

Quick thinking bystander Hannah Brice has been roundly heralded as having saved Mr Scales’ life by swiftly fashioning a chocolate dummy from a Cadburys Boost and a makeshift resuscitator from a partial digested packet of Smiths Cheesy Moments while emergency services were called. Mr Scales is currently on an Orange Crème and Banana Yazoo morphine IV drip as he recovers . His physician Dr Carl Parkins praised Ms Brices’ quick thinking; ‘A reduction of calorie intake of this magnitude, at this time of the year, this quickly, can be very dangerous – as this case proves. Festive obesity is not something that can be taken lightly.’

Mr Scales, a former member of the under 19’s National Chicken Burger eating squad, who also still holds the European record for Spicy Nik Nak eating had first come to the public’s attention following his failed world record attempt in 2007 of eating 116 peparami in a 12 hour period.


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Posted: Dec 28th, 2017 by

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