A newly released National Archive file from 1981 has revealed that the then Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher tried to put a stop to her husband Denis being used in vital breeding programmes for endangered species, including the giant panda. This action caused consternation in the Cabinet because at that time the UK economy was floundering and relied heavily on supplies of North Sea Oil and Denis Love Juice.
Despite being a firm advocate of the free market, Mrs Thatcher was appalled at the constant demand for Denis’s service as a bare-back bear-lothario. Not only do official documents show that Mrs Thatcher refused to share a plane with a panda, she would often refuse to share a bed with them, forcing the panda and Denis to sleep on the couch. The consequences were entirely predictable: the opening up of the Chinese market and, indeed, of the panda.
Denis, like so many Tory grandees, was able to coax less fertile animals into letting down their inhibitions. Known as the ‘panda whisperer’ in zoological circles, the long-dead closet racist human gin-consumption machine could get a female to embark upon experimental sexual positions within a matter of minutes, something he never quite achieved with Mrs Thatcher herself.
To relax, he would often watch pandas at play, which was called ‘dogging’ in the human world but ‘pandering’ in the wild. Although Denis’s privates were already privatised, Mrs Thatcher remained reluctant to issue shares in any company that might be set up to share her husband around the world.
In ostensibly separate news that some are labelling the biggest conspiracy theory since FBI agents murdered Marilyn Monroe to stop her blowing the whistle on President Kennedy’s late night trysts with bald eagles in swingers’ clubs, the National Archive also showed that Mrs Thatcher gave the order to sink the Belgrano, an Argentine vessel carrying ‘saucy koalas’ out of Buenos Aires.