Dozens of wealthy people who risked losing thousands of pounds in bankrolling the Tory general election campaign have received their well deserved awards in the New Year’s honours list. Brave donors who willingly gave up to £50,000, some of it their own, in order to help other wealthy people are at last being recognised.
‘We thought about giving awards to emergency service personnel who attend the Grenfell fire thingy or helped comfort people during the terrorist attacks in Westminster and that other place in London and … that other place,’ said a government spokesman. ‘The problem with that is if you give a gong to one, you really have to give them all one, so instead we decided to give them to people who made a significant impact on all our lives throughout the year, namely Tory donors.’
‘Without their selfless sacrifice, this country would be a much poorer place. For us, anyway. These brave people have helped us take back control from the EU and will help us Make Britain Great Again. Let’s face it, which sounds better: Charles Barrington-Finlay MBE or Ladoja Kimbetti MBE? Yes, we think so too.’
However, the New Year’s honours have not been entirely without controversy, as the award of a knighthood to Ringo Starr has been slammed by his former co-star, Thomas the Tank Engine. Speaking from the sidings at Sodor, Thomas said: ‘This is just typical of the injustices within our business. I did all the bloody hard work on that show and all he had to do was turn up, half smacked out of his box more often than not, and read off a script. It’s only because he was in the Beatles he got the gig in the first place.’
The little blue engine went on to complain bitterly of multiple retakes on set as the former Beatle repeatedly ‘fluffed his lines’ and took interminable ‘comfort breaks’ during shooting: ‘Huh! We all knew what that was about, nudge-nudge wink-wink! And don’t even get me started on Nick sodding Clegg!’
Gerontius and Chipchase