58-year-old man facing another awkward New Years Eve party with hipsters


A late middle-aged man was said to be ready for yet another uncomfortable New Years Eve evening with edgy guests half his age, it has been reported. Julian Holland, of Blackheath, London, organises an informal get together each year, enticing unlikely trend-setting and underground acts to his Toddington services Travellodge venue with the promise of hard drugs and an overnight family room, breakfast included.

‘Warninks advocaat, over there on the left, please. Brown buffet – just here please. Centre of the limelight – leave that clear for me, yes, all night please’, said a stressed Holland, as he made his final preparations. ‘I’ve got some LSD and a few poppers. What about ganja? Who is scoring some reefer? It’s great to get everyone back to the crib – you’ve got to be there or be square.’

‘The guest list for Jools’ party follows a very strict formula – designed to stretch incredulity as much as possible between his age and network of friends and those people that would be expected to appear at a party organised by him’,’said a close friend. ‘6 uber-hip new acts. 2 hard core rappers who wouldn’t usually be seen dead with him. A couple of acts whose stars faded a while back and one that no one has ever heard of. Oh and Dizzee Rascal. He’s always there’.

‘Most of the party was actually filmed in 1998 when Jools had a bit more energy,’ continued the insider. ‘He tends to go to sleep now about 10 so we have to pipe in some stock footage of him saying generic stuff like ‘and now…another group you wouldn’t expect me to be able to pull off for New Years Eve …the Fugees’. ‘With all the celebrity deaths this year, of course, the guest list is now looking a bit decimated, but luckily Jools has volunteered to do a four hour set himself. How long can an aging rocker continue to pull this off? It’s A Squeeze.’

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Posted: Dec 31st, 2017 by

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