As the volume of penis enlargement spam reaches unprecedented levels, manufacturers of high performance cars are holding crisis talks in London to avert what one of them has described as a “phallic apocalypse”.
“Just the other day I had a customer put a down payment on the latest model”, says Porsche dealer Mervyn Lane. “Suddenly, he said he’d found an amazing message in his junk folder that ‘changed everything’ and cancelled the deal”. Mr Lane reads from some of the offers that threaten to make gas-guzzling, carbon-spewing cars a thing of the past: “Give her more this Valentine’s day”, “Longer, thicker, harder, or your money back”, “Seriously, is that all you’ve got? Call us now”, etc. He calculates that for the price of a Porsche 911 you could buy an additional 850 yards of penis in budget overseas clinics.
Industry representatives have demanded political intervention to halt any further implosion of sales. However, the government is reluctant to take action, saying restricting the national penis size “smacks of protectionism” and “we saw what that did to British Leyland”. Brexiters in particular are opposed to any “nanny state” meddling in private enterprise, defending “an Englishman’s God-given right to fly to a clinic in Ukraine and have a pretend doctor stretch his genitals like chewing gum”.