2018 is already off to a start shakier than Nigel Farage’s hangover as President Trump’s Twitter feed reveals his plans for the year ahead.
@everyone listen up folks. Most people are saying 2017 was the best year ever, just the best, because of ME, but we’re going to make 2018 even better and here’s how.
@Unitednations @foreignpeopleinwarzones Great news! Now I’ve fixed Israel-Palestine with #jerusalem I’m gonna recognise Delhi as capital of Kashmir and Moscow as capital of Ukraine. All you diplomats are gonna be sick to see how I cut the deal. #worldpeace #simples
@sanjuan no it turns out Washington DC is not capital of #PuertoRico. You’re on your own bud.
@thepope next up you’re fired! That’s right Catholicism is FAKE Christianity. Americans give BILLIONS of dollars to the Catholic church just to get some turbulent (Latino!) priest dissing me us. I’ll take over and head up the all-new Church of America, gonna be the best church ever! #worshipme
@mexicopresidenteorwhatever yep we gonna build THE WALL. and it will be 3000 miles hotels and golf courses on the US side and casinos on your side, so you guys are gonna pay for it by playing my slot machines! #suckers
@primeministeress_theresamay I’ll fix #brexit for you by recognising Ireland as back in the UK. No more border troubles. Though I don’t know why you don’t just build a WALL, ours is a BIG SUCCESS. Oh and we’ll nuke Brussels anytime that helps.
@FatKim my finger on nuke button too fatso. I can draw quicker than you #NKorea #WW3 #Armageddon
@NRA gun carrying to be mandatory. Those without – shot! Problem solved #wussydems #lastmanstanding
@mcvities no way I’m commenting on the Jaffa cake #cakeorbiscuit issue. Way too controversial. ‘Do not seek out argument, but peace and consensus’ #confucius #wisewords
@everyone some of you been saying making resolutions shows at least I recognise need to change myself and improve. NO. I DON’T. That’s why I’ve not made any. Reports I made new year resolutions are FAKE NEWS. Sad.
@everyone p.s. from 2018, 2+2=5. Keep on loving Big Brother Creepy Uncle
Sir Lupus, Hat-tips to cinquecento, Al O’Pecia, Not Amused, Scroat, Sinnick, Economist