Theresa May has announced that the Department for Exiting the EU is to be disbanded with immediate effect and that full authority for negotiating terms with the EU has been handed to the Ministry of Magic. Leave supporters have welcomed the news, as they have become frustrated at the slow pace in achieving the impossible without recourse to supernatural powers.
‘I’m clear that we need clarity on this,’ the Prime Minister said in that weird robotic drone of hers. ‘We need strong and stable – ah, no, it’s not that any more, is it? – my government has full confidence in the Minister for Magic, Cornelius Fudge, despite that regrettable incident where a dozen Death Eaters entered the office unnoticed and signed in as a rescue mission. Look, he’s got to be better than David Bloody Davis, hasn’t he?’
Traditionally, the Minister for Magic only makes contact with the Prime Minister when events in the wizard world may affect Muggles. However, during the past 18 months, Fudge has been forced to make repeated appearances through the fireplace at Number 10 to tell Mrs May that, despite what has been implied in the Daily Mail, there will not be a surge in free unicorns appearing in Britain from April 2019.
The change will lead to a Cabinet reshuffle, with leading Brexiters heading support departments within the Ministry of Magic. David Davis will use his experience of negotiating with Brussels at the Department of Magical Accidents and Catastrophes, while Jacob Rees-Mogg, as the only MP fluent in Latin, will ensure spells are spoken correctly at the helm of the Improper Use of Magic Office. Finally, Boris Johnson will head up the Muggle-Worthy Excuse Committee.
‘The Ministry of Magic is clearly the right vehicle for the Brexit process,’ said Mrs May. ‘As recent history shows, its high officials are blind to danger, prefer to cover up bad news, make hasty decisions based on personal prejudices and refuse to weigh up the evidence. They also have a history of collusion with Lord Voldemort – or Nigel Farage, as some people still call him.’