‘I saw mythical B&Q shop assistant in Margate branch’ claims customer

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Wildlife watchers have descended on B&Q’s Margate branch, following reports that a customer claims to have seen of one of their now almost mythical shop assistants. A BBC Natural History Unit camera crew is also camped out in the car park hoping to capture exclusive footage for David Attenborough’s next project.

The shopper, Will Roberts, speaking on lunchtime news said: ‘I had gone in there and had been desperately wandering the aisles for over half an hour looking for new light bulbs. As usual there was no-one on the shop floor to direct me to where I might find them, and by now the tills and unmanned customer service desk were almost half a mile away. But suddenly I thought my luck had changed when I spotted a person I took to be a shop assistant nearby. However it was nothing more than a false alarm as it turned out to be a woman from Araldite merchandising the adhesives display.’

‘I’d just given up all hope and was trying to figure out the way to the exit when I suddenly spotted a teenager in an orange apron about one hundred yards away;, continued Mr Roberts. ‘I immediately gestured towards him to get assistance. But my sudden movement must have spooked him. He stood bolt upright, looked around in a startled manner, sniffed the air then darted behind a rack of bathroom fittings. I ran to the end of the aisle where he’d been standing, but just as quickly as he’d appeared he disappeared into thin air. The only thing to be seen was a tumbleweed blowing down the paint aisle.’

Chris Packham explains; ‘I can confirm that B&Q shop assistants do exist, but because of global warming and zero hours contracts they’re down to no more than three breeding pairs in captivity at a secret location. So they’re very rare nowadays. It would be great to see one in real life, of course it would, but I’d say Mr Roberts is mistaken here. To be honest he’d be far more likely to see a T-Rex or Dodo.’

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Posted: Jan 6th, 2018 by

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