Toby Young has been experimenting with the Eton phrase book and trying on eccentric blond wigs in an attempt to make himself more credible to the conservative right wing. The news follows Young’s departure from the Milwall FC board, after concluding that while no one likes him, he does care. He was previously chair of the New Schools Network tasked with setting up independent Free Schools in places where they weren’t needed but would f*!k up the system ‘ordinary people’ use and could turn fee paying when nobody was paying attention.
‘Cripes, wiff-waff, pooh-bah and a classical allusion I’ll add later, probably something to do with Julius Caesar’, Young said in a draft press release.
He continued: ‘I want the great British Public to see me as a loveable but slightly odd toff with a traditional elitist education and classical libertarian values. Not as a serial failure brought up the son of a socialist peer in Muswell Hill who went to a bog standard comprehensive rather than one of those excellent public schools where I could have become homosexual, but in a posh way. I say chaps, would it be too much to spell ‘public’ with a v instead of the u to emphasise my love of ancient..er… Greece? I mean now that I am in charge of all students in the UK, apart from the ones not allowed to be here because of Brexit, it’s important my academic credentials look, you know, er tippety pooh? That is the new job, isn’t it? Kind of like head boy of students? I mean is there a badge? Or maybe a birthday honour when it’s my birthday? 17th October by the way, hint hint!’
Mr Young has denied he claimed to be ‘Ivy League Professor of advanced Harvard studies at the Baliol Oxbridge University of Yale, DPhil’ and he has also denied suggesting to Theresa May he changes his name to Tory Young to attract young Tories.