Google moves into analogue market with launch of Google ‘Pen’

Google pen

Internet giant Google has begun a foray into the parts of the world as yet unavailable to them with the launch of a pen which records your handwriting and sends the information you provide back to the Googleplex in California.

The pen uses motion sensors and sophisticated algorithms to capture the user’s movements when writing, translates them into readable digital data and posts them back to Google’s servers via the nearest available Wi-Fi port. It’s viability has only become possible after Google realised it had accidentally and inadvertantly recorded every available wireless connection in the world as the Street View cars went around taking pictures of your house.

The pens will be sent out in their millions to every known postcode and will be branded with the Google logo which, through clever electronic trickery, will change every few days into a new Google doodle to keep scribblers and doodlers interested in using them.

‘The analogue field is not something which we’ve been able to reach but now that we are able to access handwritten thoughts we can truly tailor your real-world experience to provide suitable advertisments which reflect your needs as a consumer. We’ve hooked up with all the major retailers so, say you’re writing a shopping list on a piece of paper, the Google pen will record your requests and a new system of billboards and mind control in the analogue physical environment of your supermarket will point you in the direction of the best purchase of the day, which we think is terrific for all sorts of reasons,’ grinned Google chief executives Sergei Brin and Larry Page.

On the Google plus side, the pen is claimed to provide a faster scribbling experience than any other mode of paper-based, dextrous, anologue notation. ‘It’s the best, fastest, smoothest pen on the market,’ the company claims, and also, they say, seemlessly ties your thoughts in with your social network which makes putting everything you do on line sooo much easier. But, Google admits, the pen will need to update itself in the background from time to time and handwriting may be slower during those periods as a result.

The pen will be introduced in time for users to sign up for the new Google privacy policy on March 1st. ‘We’ve learnt a lot from phone hacking and now will only allow you to use Google systems if we have your complete consent to read your emails, identify your physical location and monitor connections with people who are dearest to you, and use that information for whatever purpose we want,’ said Mr Page.

‘It’s a matter of choice, but it’s a pretty simple choice. If you don’t agree to it, we won’t let you use the internet,’ said Mr Brin. ‘Which we think is totally fair and in line with our corporate poilicy of ‘Don’t be Evil!’, and if you’re still unhappy you could always try and block through the settings in your internet browser and see how far you get with that,’ he continued, before apparently being completely unable to stop himself adding ‘Mwahhahhaaaahaaa’.

29th January 2012

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