Actresses realise they no longer need Woody Allen’s help

Red-Carpet

A number of young actresses, formerly cast by Woody Allen in his films, have searched their consciences and come to the difficult and painful realisation they no longer need his help with their careers.

‘You have to understand, back then I was just starting out,’ said one, who appeared in Allen’s To Rome With Love. ‘I couldn’t get arrested. When Woody called the diner where I was waitressing, I said yes before he’d told me the name of the film.’

‘But now I’m quite well known, being offered decent parts on a regular basis, and I’ve just remembered all those allegations his ex-wife made about him decades ago, during a very bitter custody battle, so she wouldn’t have had any reason to lie.’

‘I searched my conscience, by which I mean I called my agent, and he said in the current climate I stood to gain a lot more by publicly saying I wouldn’t work with Allen again. So he’d better not call and offer me another part. Which he hasn’t.’

Her sentiments were echoed by another starlet: ‘Sure, Woody gave me my first film role in Vicky Cristina Barcelona, which really helped launch my career,’ she said “But people must understand, I was very anxious about accepting it, given the allegations against him. So much so that years later, when he offered me a small part in another movie, I hesitated a bit before saying yes.’

‘Then my agent said this probably didn’t look great, and I’d better donate my salary for the film to Time’s Up. Luckily it was just a single day’s filming, so it was hardly any money. In fact, it might be the cheapest good publicity I’ve ever bought.’

‘Exactly,’ agreed a third. ‘Woody gave me the part for which I won an Oscar, at a time when no one else would hire me because of the rumours Harvey Weinstein had started about me. But what the hell, I can see the way the wind’s blowing, and frankly I don’t have a career now anyway…’

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Posted: Jan 15th, 2018 by

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