White House veterinarian and primate specialist Dr Johnny Bacon says that US President Donald Trump is in general good health, for an orangutan, and that there are ‘no concerns’ about his mental health, which he described as ‘every bit as sharp as a chimpanzee’.
Dr Bacon reports he conducted a series of tests on Mr Trump, ‘And although results were slightly below average, for his species, I see no health reasons that would stop him serving his full four year term… unfortunately.’
It’s understood the examination consisted of a number of tricky cognitive challenges, such as the ability to distinguish a hot dog from a grand piano with Mr Trump doing particularly well in the food-based tests. ‘Although when he ate some termites off a stick and threw excrement at the camera I had to mark him down ten points,’ Dr Bacon explained.
The tests also revealed some fascinating insights about Mr Trump’s genetic profile. ‘His DNA is remarkably similar to that of an actual human being. But those small genetic differences are what gives him his characteristic features: the sickly orange skin, the weird small hands and the infantile mood swings.’