Following the news that Britain is to part with £44 million to beef up Channel border security in return for a loan of the Bayeux Tapestry, a number of other similar measures are expected to be unveiled. The UK has asked for a fortnight lend of the Mona Lisa in return for helping France with a several billion Euro pay off for all their renewable energy plans. As well as giving some 76 million to bail out the National Bank of Spain, in return for a month’s worth of Picasso’s Three Musicians painting.
‘We suddenly realised we’d been negotiating all wrong,’ said Dr Liam Fox, Secretary of State for International Trade. ‘All these years we’ve been trying to get great deals with our European counterparts and then when the French offered us the Bayeux, it just all fell into place. We pay off everyone’s national debts but in return we get to borrow some amazing artwork.’
Other deals in the offing are understood to be a 12 billion pound gift to the Italians to help sort out their migrant crisis in exchange for a weekend borrow of Michelangelo’s The last Judgement, and the Dutch plan to loan us the Girl with the Pearl Earring in return for 88 billion. ‘That deal nearly fell through,’ admitted Dr Fox, ‘Until we offered to chuck in a fat bag of weed and a sack of Strropwafels. How we laughed. We properly saw them coming.’
Meanwhile in a bid to secure a soft Brexit agreement during phase two of negotiations, the Prime Minister has given David Davis her full authority to offer a loan of Tracey Emin’s My Bed to the first EU country willing to stump up thirty quid.
Barry Van Hire