Britons have been stockpiling record quantities of undrinkable weird tea in preparation for this year’s traditional throwing-away ceremony, it has emerged.
The tea-collecting season commences on January 1st as part of a prolonged cleansing ritual that also features gruelling levels of physical exertion, enforced boredom and various forms of abstinence. Participants experience a number of unpleasant psychological ill effects, ranging from self-loathing to withdrawal and depression. At the conclusion of the month-long ordeal, inductees angrily throw away all trace of the experience in a cathartic ceremony known as ‘the bender’, before returning to normal life.
Cleansing teas are prized for health-giving properties that verge on the miraculous. “Mmmm, linseed oil, wasabi and Brussels sprout”, said Sally Malone, a misinformed dimwit from Southwark. “Lovely compostey aroma. Contains loads of free radicals. Or is it anti oxidants, I can never remember.”
“And this one’s has a refreshing, almost antiseptic flavour.” she said, “But its lovely with a bit of honey. Once you get used to it.”
“Oh wait, those are the elastoplasts”.