The Christian world is celebrating today after the direct, unadulterated word of God was passed down to a Nuneaton man in the form of an updated set of commandments, saved on a brand new Apple iPad tablet.
Waste and recycling technician Brian Burridge, 43, described how he received the iPad in a blinding flash while out on his rounds: ‘I’d just parked the bin lorry ’round the back of PC World, and was having a look in the skip to see if there was anything I could flog on eBay, when BAM! Suddenly I was holding this gadget.’
Burridge claims that God told him from on high to look in the My Documents folder, open up a file labelled new_commandments.doc and then spread the word among the faithful. The Lord then apologised for taking so long to communicate with believers, but explained that he’d written the document in Microsoft Word had been experiencing compatibility issues.
The document, controversially written in Comic Sans MS font, rather than the expected Times New Roman, reiterates the original Ten Commandments, but continues with a new set of guidelines designed to ‘help the pious Christian in these modern times.’ Directives include ‘thou shalt not covet thy colleague’s broadband speed’, ‘thou shalt not unplug a USB device without first disabling it properly’ and ‘thou shalt not use thy neighbour’s unprotected wi-fi connection without his knowledge.’
God’s latest holy writ then goes on to outline the secret of eternal happiness and reveals the exact date of the second coming of Christ. Unfortunately Burridge is unable to divulge these details as this part of the file has been corrupted by a virus. PC experts are now studying the iPad and have confirmed that it has been infected by a Trojan, downloaded, judging by the browsing history, from teensexcams.ru. ‘Remember the twelfth commandment,’ warned a Church of England IT spokesman, ‘one shall not format one’s hard drive before first backing up one’s files.’
31 January 2010