Scientists have discovered that over 90% of respondents who sign off emails are neither regarding us kindly, interested in the best of our wishes or intending to stay faithful. In most cases, the writer is just restraining the urge to yell at the monitor with the primal despair that grips their soul or, at the very least, to smear it in their own excreta.
The reality is, that nobody wants to write to you in the first place and would rather eat their own spleen than have to continue this disingenuous conversation of meaningless social nicety. What had seemed to many as a friendly conclusion to letter, has been revealed as a coded insult; one level below slapping someone with a gauntlet but one up from a James Corden smirk.
One correspondent confessed: ‘I had considered just wrapping the letter around a dead fish and sending it recorded delivery. But in the end I plumped for ‘kind regards’ – the ‘yo momma’ of farewells. I also sent the fish separately – as everyone still needs their omega-3 fatty acids.’
A sociologist explained: ‘We’re constantly mistaking shit for sincerity. How else do you explain Tony Blair? And those three x’s at the end of the message are not kisses, they’re merely blanking out an expletive. It’s worth noting that the ‘Cheerios’ cereal’s original marketing slogan was ‘Nobody can say ‘No’ to a big box of f$ck off’.’