Oscar nomination for man pretending to wash hands after taking a leak

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A Chelmsford man was celebrating today, after his realistic portrayal of someone washing their hands after taking a leak in a public urinal was rewarded with a best actor nomination at the Oscars.

Peter Jones, 46, is thought to have spent years perfecting his technique in his local shopping centre public conveniences, going through the pretence of putting his hands near a non-running tap, and then placing them under the hand-drier, in order to meet expected social conventions.

‘I never expected this recognition’, admitted a surprised Jones. ‘I never actually wash my hands after a satisfying leak, despite more and more drippage from the old man onto my right hand, particularly as I get older. However, with other people in the toilets, you sort of feel you have to. My method involves a confident pretend rub of the hands – no soap, mind – but ensuring that you don’t actually place your hands under the tap – those automatic sensors are a bugger.’

‘Jones’ portrayal is harrowing and realistic in equal measures’, noted Mark Kermode, the BBCs film critic. ‘His ‘ghosting’ under the tap really does make you think about the Shape of Water, as well as raising important questions about his levels of basic personal hygiene.’

‘I’m looking forward to his latest project, ‘Three Splashboards inside a public Toilet, Missouri’, which looks at contemporary problems of splashback in urinals’, continued Kermode. ‘There are also rumours that his next piece of work might be to stride confidently out of the public urinals with urine-soaked hands, and then confidently shake the hand of an acquaintance outside. That really would be The Darkest Hour.’

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Posted: Jan 24th, 2018 by

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