Claims by defence minister Gavin Williamson that the Russians have been studying British power networks and photographing power stations as part of plans to sabotage Britain’s infrastructure have been officially denied by the Kremlin. A senior official within the heart of the Russian government admitted that SMERSH had considered such a plan but has now abandoned the idea, as there is simply no need to do anything subversive when Britain is perfectly capable of wrecking itself unaided.
‘First off, we thought we’d bring the transport system to its knees” said Gennady Yegevenovich Savchenko, a veteran functionary at the Ministry of Foreign Affairs in Moscow. ‘We came up with this really ingenious scheme to use several hundred cunningly disguised gritter lorries on Britain’s roads and airport runways to distribute ice and snow and bring the country to a halt. But before we could implement that, it all happened anyway.’
At this point, the Russians realised they would have to up their game and strike harder at institutions that the British at least hope will function properly. ‘So we thought, lets destroy the health service – if we could dump dead bodies and patients on trollies along the corridors, all the doctors and nurses would trip over and injure themselves, making a bad situation even worse. But once again we were beaten to it,’ Savchenko said.
As a last resort, SMERSH thought of photographing the entire power network until they found out that Google has already done most of the work for it. Fighting back tears, Savchenko concluded: ‘Our final throw was to flood the media with fake news spreading alarm and despondency And then what happened? Gavin Bloody Williamson came along, that’s what. And apparently he’s the bookies’ favourite to be the next Prime Minister. At that point we gave up. We’re just amateurs by contrast with you.’