A brood of chickens from North Devon have claimed they had no idea they were being fed corn by a farmer in order to fatten them for the dinner table at a London charity fundraiser. Jessica, a 42-day-old broiler from Holsworthy, said that the chickens had been given free sackfuls of corn over a period of several weeks, which they were grateful for, but they had no real idea why it was happening.
‘We overheard a phone conversation the farmer had with one of the organisers of a charity fundraiser being held at The Dorchester by members of the Prescient Club,’ Jessica said. ‘Well, we knew about that organisation after reading about them in a newspaper article that had been used to line the bottom of our cage.’
‘It all sounded exciting – the farmer said he could get us on one of the main tables,’ she added. ‘He also mentioned juicy breasts and fleshy legs, spit roasting, white and dark meat, plucked, stuffed, virgin oil – which we took to be just a bit of saucy banter. I even heard mention of Paxo being there but I assumed that was that grumpy bloke off the telly. The man said something about men being there playing with their cocks and shaking hands with the President but we just assumed there would be male chickens there too.’
In hindsight, the chickens have admitted that they were naïve and said that they would be prepared to let bygones be bygones, but for one thing. ‘We can cope with the plucking, the neck wringing, removing the giblets, the pre-heated oven, the roasting, even being referred to as birds – but not listening to David Walliams drone on for hours on end. When I heard him say he had lightly buttered his skin, stuffed the cavity with a browned onion and had arranged his potatoes around the parson’s nose I asked to be put back in the oven. It was horrible.’