Peter Capaldi has resigned as a locum Timelord, buckling under the pressure of delivering a 24/7 NHS alongside defeating Daleks. For Mr Capaldi the tipping point came when he was restricted to a 10 minute consultation on an alien invasion, while required to reduce waiting lists for his young assistants.
The Health Secretary has insisted that any new Dr Who appointment must start on a junior pay-scale, regardless of the combined experience of previous regenerations. In fact Jeremy Hunt has suggested that many of the Doctor’s tasks could now be outsourced, with nurses and hospital porters expected to do battle with the daleks.
Capaldi explained that multi-verse sci-fi doctors were underfunded and had experienced excessive charges for leaving their Tardis in a hospital car park. He conceded that on his home planet of Gallifrey private medical insurance was the norm, but he explained that it was significantly helped by the fact that everyone had twelve lives.
Said a Hunt spokeswoman: ‘A sonic screwdriver is no substitute for a dialysis machine, but it can double as a rectal thermometer’. Taking advice from a health consultant, referred to as The Master, Mr Hunt has slowly privatized areas of the NHS – where not even the Doctor ‘can turn back time’.