Americans can expect to hear at least another nine months of Donald Trump’s incoherent xenophobic bullsh*t, according to prognosticating groundhog Punxsutawney Phil.
In a departure from the traditional ceremony held annually in the Pennsylvania town, groundhog Phil refused to be drawn on whether the foresaw an early spring or another six weeks of winter. However, Groundhog Club President Bill Deeley claims that Phil emerged reluctantly from his hole to tell him that Americans could look forward to ‘another nine months of moronic non-sequiturs from Trump and the dim-witted bigots that support him’.
Trump, who attended the ceremony, told reporters that Phil’s ‘endorsement’ was further proof that he was set to win the Republican nomination for November’s presidential election.
When pressed by Deeley to confirm whether he foresaw a long winter Phil replied in Groundhogese ‘Yeah, a f***ing nuclear winter if that tool gets elected’. As disappointed revellers began to filter away the festival descended into farce when Phil wriggled free from Deeley and attempted to mate with the top of Donald Trump’s head.